I moved to LA because it’s not exactly breaking news that that’s what you do when you’re 25
and already out west and have nothing better going on. In my case, I’d been sleeping on a couch
in Tucson. I watched 9/11 from that couch, and after that was when I moved to LA with my so-
called writing partner. We wrote an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on spec but it generated no
interest even though certain events and themes from that episode did crop up in subsequent
seasons of the series. For a long time, I wondered whether it was coincidence or theft, but now I
realize it doesn’t matter because a.) I wasn’t cut out for show biz anyway and b.) my so-called
writing partner couldn’t string two sentences together without mixing up a period with a comma,
though to her credit that didn’t stop her from later publishing two idiotic memoirs with Penguin
and Harper Perennial respectively. Good for her I guess, but also not really because I actually
hate her fucking guts. In conclusion, here’s an alphabetized list of all the celebrities I remember
having met or otherwise encountered (for example, reaching for the same can of garbanzo beans
at the same time at Whole Foods) when I lived in LA: Alexis Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, Billy
Baldwin, Cameron Diaz, Richard Lewis, one of the Wayans brothers.
Eli S. Evans’s work has appeared in Hobart Pulp, X-R-A-Y Literary Magazine, Maudlin House, Expat Press, Bullshit Lit, and Ghost City Press. He is the author of the short story collections Obscure & Irregular and Various Stories About Specific Individuals in Particular Situations.